Some Reflections By
GARY RAY BRANSCOME
“From
whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not
hence, even of
your lusts that war in your members.” (James 4:1)
Civil authorities could deal with many
problems more
effectively if there was a general acknowledgement of the reality of
sin, a
more comprehensive awareness of its consequences, and a better grasp of
its
significance as a factor in human nature. In fact, the denial of sin by
those
in authority, in many ways, leaves our society powerless to deal with
the
problems it causes. Nevertheless, while we cannot change the way that
others
deal with problems, we can change the way that we deal with one
another. And
the purpose of this essay is to look into some of the causes of
conflict
between individuals, while presenting ideas that may prove helpful in
dealing
with it.
RECOGNIZING CONFLICT AS WAR
Since the lusts that produce personal
conflict are not
substantially different from those that produce national conflict, some
very
clear parallels can be drawn. In the first place, just as every
government has
its own dominion, every individual has his or her own dominion.
Furthermore,
just as each government is free to exercise control over its own
dominion, each
individual is free to exercise control over his own dominion. Finally,
just as
national conflict arises when one government oversteps its boundaries
or
interferes in the affairs of another,
personal
conflict arises when one person oversteps his boundaries or interferes
in the
affairs of another. Therefore, if you are to get along with other
people, you
need to respect the boundaries of others, by allowing them the right to
control
those things that are within their circle of authority. Nevertheless,
there are
some instances in which circles of authority overlap.
Because a father's authority overlaps that of
his
child, he may overrule some of the decisions made by the child. For the
same
reason, your boss may overrule some of your decisions. However, the
overlapping
of authority between husband and wife is a little more complex, for it
is a
shared authority not just a tiered authority. In fact, many decisions
regarding
the home must be shared. Nevertheless, the key to cooperation is
respect for
each other’s circle of authority, and that respect is only present when
willing
cooperation is being sought (as opposed to submission). Moreover, skill
in
gaining the willing cooperation of others goes hand in hand with
learning to
deal with them in Christian love. And that involves such things as
making a
polite request rather than a demand, being patient rather than pushy,
and
respecting someone’s right to say no.
Husbands and wives also need to have some
understanding of the differences in their perspectives. For example: If
a woman
tries to get her husband to yield, by using the same behavior that she
might
yield to, she is going to get the opposite of what she wants. Yet many
women do
just that, over and over, and cannot understand why that behavior has
the
opposite effect on a man. Nevertheless, by trying to bring him under
her
authority, she threatens his manhood.
Whenever, someone tries to get their own way
by
fussing, it is an act of aggression, for they are attempting to extend
their
domain over someone else. Furthermore, aggressors are always in the
wrong.
Nevertheless, the person guilty of aggression will often blame the
conflict on
the one who resists their aggression, by accusing the other party of
being
stubborn or unreasonable. Of course, that twisted way of thinking is
just as
absurd as blaming wars on the nations that resist aggression.
Nevertheless,
because of sin self-deception is deeply rooted in our carnal nature,
and can
only be overcome by people who are willing to condemn and thus correct
their
own sinful thoughts.
Sometimes conflicts are caused when one
person tries
to force another to do them a favor. In other words, they fuss at
someone
because they want that person to do something for them. Of course, the
very
idea of trying to force a favor is a contradiction in terms, for if it
were
really a favor force would not be needed. In fact, common sense should
tell us
that we are more likely to get a favor from someone we are nice to than
from
someone we treat badly. Nevertheless, because of sin, such irrational
and
self-defeating behavior is all too prevalent. We ask someone to do
something
and fuss if they are reluctant to do it. However, because that behavior
is
rooted in carnality it always brings the opposite of what we really
want. We
want cooperation, and we get resistance. We want something in a hurry,
and have
a delay because of argument. Our fussing only hardens the other person
in their
resolve not to cooperate, yet without God's help we are too dull witted
to
realize why.
If you really want someone’s help, it would
be far
wiser to:
1. Ask in a
polite way. Irritable demands are
abrasive, and usually cause the other person to raise a mental wall of
resistance.
2. Allow them the
right to say no. If you do
not cause an argument, you will be able to ask again later without
causing
resentment. People often need time to adjust to an idea or change of plan, however, if you are pushy they will resist
rather than
adjust. Respect their circle of authority, it would be wrong for you to
invade
their territory.
3. Be patient. If
they agree to do the favor,
allow them to fit it in at their convenience. Pressure will just
irritate them,
and may cause them to change their mind about helping you. It is all
right to
remind them from time to time, but have a kind patient tone in your
voice. An
impatient and irritated tone or harsh and abrasive words only produce
resistance. Always be kind, never nag, and if you mention someone’s
promise to
help make it clear that you are not pressuring them.
4. Always show
gratitude. When they do help
you out let them know that you appreciate it. No one likes to do
something for
a person who is ungrateful.
The rules I have
just given are nothing more
than the golden rule applied to an everyday situation. With God’s help,
our
homes can be the happiest place this side of heaven. However, we need
to take
our faith seriously, have a regular prayer life, and pray for our
homes.
A WISE RULER
Because God has made the husband the head of
the
house, he is to be obeyed. Nevertheless, there is a big difference
between
civil obedience and servile obedience. Since the relationship of a man
to his
wife is to be a picture of Christ's relationship to His church, the
authority
that God has given the husband is not the authority to demand, “Fetch
my
slippers”, but the authority to make rules, punish wrongdoing, and
settle
disputes. In other words, a man's wife and children are to be his
subjects (not
his slaves), and his treatment of them will determine if he is a wise
ruler or
an evil tyrant. A husband who terrorizes
his family,
while treating his wife and children like inferiors, is just as evil as
a ruler
who terrorizes his subjects while treating them like inferiors.
Likewise, a
husband who fusses and yells while making his family fear his temper
and moods,
is just as evil as a king who fusses and yells while making those
around him
fear his temper and moods. Just as a wise ruler respects each subject's
circle
of authority, a wise father will refrain from simply imposing his will
for no
reason. Instead he will listen to what his family says, while trying to
be fair
and considerate of their needs.
THE LUSTS THAT WAR IN OUR MEMBERS
Many
unnecessary arguments are caused when one member of the family “feels”
angry or
argumentative and thus continually provokes those around them. However,
because
contentious feelings are of the flesh, they should be recognized as
lusts.
Furthermore, we need to realize that there is a progression of evil, as
lusts
produce evil thoughts that in turn produce evil words and actions. For
that
reason, if we are to have harmony in our homes, we need to stop this
progression of evil before it leads to words or actions. Because our
very
nature is sinful, we may not be able to keep evil lusts or thoughts
from
entering our heart, but with God's help we can dismiss them from our
mind
before they produce evil words and actions.
One way to get rid of sinful feelings is to
change our
thinking. For example, it is easy to feel irritated or angry if a baby
cries
continuously. However, you may have experienced the change that takes
place
when you remind yourself that the poor little thing is not intending
any harm,
but simply needs help and does not know any other way to express that
need.
Since many have experienced how rapidly that little change in thinking
causes
anger to cease, the world should have caught on by now. However, many
people
are still being told to “vent their anger,” and that is terrible
advice. In
fact, many homes have been turned into a war zone by the strife that
results
when certain members “vent their anger.” In contrast, a much more
effective way
to deal with anger is to simply dismiss it from our heart by changing
our
thinking. I know that this method of dealing with anger works because I
have
done it for years, and I also know that prayer is of great help in
changing
one's mood or dealing with evil feelings. Therefore, instead of making
those
around you miserable when you are in a bad mood, get off to yourself,
calm
down, and seek God’s help in learning to dismiss anger, or in changing
your
thinking.
[Note: Shortly
after I wrote this essay I
received an issue of “Readers Digest” that contained an article saying
some of
the same things that I have just said. Of course, I was elated to say
the
least, especially since I have seen some of the harm done by “venting
anger.”
There were some minor differences. For example, what I call “changing
your
thinking” that author calls “reframing the situation.” However, that
author
even mentioned that prayer helps to change moods. If you are
interested, that article was entitled “What's
Your Emotional IQ”, and it appeared in the January 1996 edition of
the Readers Digest.]
You will be able to deal with unpleasant or
sinful feelings more effectively, if you realize that circumstances do
not cause you to feel a certain way (depressed, angry, fearful,
discouraged, etc.). Instead, the way you feel has to do with the way
you are reacting to those circumstances, and in the same situation
someone else might react quite differently. Once this is understood,
you can deal with your feelings by changing the way you react, instead
of waiting for the circumstances to change. That is important because,
even though circumstances are usually beyond our control we can usually
change our reaction to a situation by changing how we view the
situation (“reframing it”), and, to that end, prayer is essential. I
have had depression or discouragement lift almost instantly after
fervently pleading with God to remove the depression. Try it!
In order to deal effectively with the sinful
urges and
moods of our flesh, it is important to learn how to think reflectively.
And, we
learn to think reflectively when we begin to think about our feelings
(in a
detached way) instead of letting our feelings control what we think.
For
example: If you begin to feel angry because you have made several
mistakes and
things are not going right, step back mentally. Instead of allowing
anger to
cause you to cuss or fuss, start wondering why frustration causes
anger. Could
it be that your flesh wants the entire creation to bow to your will as
if you
were God? (Isaiah 14:12-15) At the same time, remind yourself that
getting
upset will just cause more mistakes. By thinking about our feelings,
instead of
letting our feelings control what we think, we can detach what we feel
from
what we say and do. For that reason, learning to think reflectively is
the
first step in learning to think before you speak or act, and that is
basic to
mature spiritual behavior.
Many of the inner conflicts that cause
emotional
distress stem from three key lusts of the mind: Pride, fear, and sloth.
Because
these lusts are at the root of much of the world’s anxiety and strife,
the book
of Proverbs has a good deal to say about them. However, you need to
understand
how all three of them work together to create conflict.
Let us, therefore, consider a situation in
which a teenage girl feels that she must have a certain fashion in
order to be
accepted. On one hand, she is driven by a fear of rejection if she does
not get
the fashion. On the other hand, that fear is inflamed by a desire to
impress
others (pride). Working together, these lusts (pride and fear) produce
an inner
anxiety that makes strife with her parents easy to justify. What she
does not
understand, is that what she fears is what she imagines, not what
actually
comes to pass. And, to those who lack understanding, that imagined
future often
seems more real than reality itself.
While the lusts of the mind (pride, fear and
sloth)
are much stronger in some people than in others, all of us have to deal
with
the inner conflicts that they produce. That being the case, let us
consider a
situation in which a person feels driven to achieve by a false sense of
pride,
while being hindered by overblown fears and a lack of personal energy
(sloth).
The inner conflict that these lusts create can drive a person to try to
be
somebody they are not. In fact, they may go to ridiculous lengths in
order to
impress others. However, they usually wind up appearing foolish because
they
refuse to face the facts, profess to know what they do not know, and
deny the
truth about their own fears and limitations (Barney Fife).
Focussing on the fact that these lusts can be
much
stronger in some people than in others let me give some examples. While
many
people do not particularly like work (sloth), I know of one person who
robbed a
store near my home because he wanted to go to prison so that he would
not have
to work. In fact he quit a good job and tried to get on welfare before
deciding
to rob the store. I also know of a family that was afraid to go to
church
(fear) because years earlier their home had been broken into while they
were at
church. They were “religious” people, yet they were terrified by the
fear of
being robbed.
As I pointed out earlier – in regard to a
teenager who
thinks that she will be rejected if she does not get a particular
fashion –
what people fear is rarely what actually happens. In fact, because the
mind
pictures an imaginary future (in which what is feared becomes reality)
much of
the anxiety that people suffer has more to do with that imaginary
future than
the real world. Nevertheless, the lusts
of the mind not only make it hard for a person to think clearly, but
can totally
cripple someone who does not clearly distinguish between fact and
imagination.
Moreover, Satan can use the anxiety that a person feels to torment them
into
committing evil acts. In fact, Saul may have been tormented in that
way. We
know from Scripture that he raged with anger, after being told that his
son
would not inherit the throne. His pride clearly rebelled at God’s
decision, and
he was frustrated by his inability to change it. At the same time Satan
used
his pride, and his fear that his son would not inherit the throne, to
control
him; thus leading him to justify killing David.
Since secular psychologists have not yet
discovered
how much of human behavior can be explained by these three lusts,
Christians
need to reject their confused theories and rethink the facts in the
light of
Scriptural truth. Not only does the Bible provide the foundation for a
far
superior understanding of human nature, but the fields of psychology
and
psychiatry have their roots in ignorance. While the views of Freud are
no
longer as highly esteemed as they once were, when they were in vogue
they were
the justification for much social evil. At the same time, psychiatrists
not
only aided both Hitler and Stalin, but initiated much of the genocide
carried
out by the Nazis.
Many domestic arguments begin when a person
uses harsh
words and fussing or rude replies to convey the message that he is
frustrated,
in a hurry, or wants to be left alone. The person using the harsh words
assumes
that others will respond by leaving him alone, yet, in most cases,
their actual
reaction is to strike back. Usually the initial harshness is taken as a
personal attack, one harsh word leads to another and the fight is on.
Therefore, the intelligent thing to do is to have enough mental
alertness to
think before you speak. Then, instead of answering harshly, simply tell
the
other person in a calm polite voice that you are feeling irritable or
are in a
hurry and would like to be left alone. Never expect other people to
read your
mind.
A number of arguments start over how
something is
remembered. One person says, “Last month you said such and such,” the
other
replies, “I did not,” and the fight is on. It is an adult version of
the
childish, “Yes you did, no I did not” argument. And it proves nothing
but the
stupidity of the people involved. Since the problem has to do with
memory, each
remembering what was said differently, such arguments could be avoided
if
people would say, “I seem to remember you saying,” instead of
dogmatically
declaring, “Last month you said.” We should never confuse our own
remembrance
with absolute truth.
The same holds true for disagreements over
the meaning
of words. One person says, “You do not have to be so fussy” and the
other snaps
back, “I’m not being fussy, I’m just concerned.” It then goes into a
“yes you
are, no I’m not” debate. In this case the argument would be over the
definition
of “fussing” rather than memories, yet many such arguments could be
avoided if
the people involved just had the presence of mind to realize the
futility of
arguing over whose definition is the correct definition. In this case,
we also
need to recognize how a denial of sin is intertwined with the
controversy. For
a person who fusses, yet denies that it is fussing, is denying any
wrongdoing,
and that is dishonest (Jeremiah 17:9).
To give another example, suppose that one
person says,
“Humanism is a religion” while another says, “No it’s not.” The
conversation
then goes into a “Yes it is, No it is not” debate. As with the previous
examples, the problem has to do with confusing one’s own world-view
with
absolute truth. Therefore, many such arguments could be avoided if
people would
just learn to say, “I think” instead of making dogmatic assertions.
Just as it only takes one aggressor to start
a war, it
only takes one contentious person to start an argument. Therefore, if
we want
peace in our homes every member has to cooperate in seeking that goal.
That
means, in part, that we all need to care more about peace and harmony
than
about getting our own way. We also need to look at our own faults, be
honest
about what was said, and continually seek God’s help in prayer. At the
same
time, we need to be considerate of each other, and try to see each
other’s
point of view. In fact, getting along with others is often as simple as
caring
enough about them to want to understand why they think as they do.