Since the Bible gives us God's own promise that if
we train our children up in the way they should go, they will not
depart from it, I am astounded by the number of Christian parents who
are convinced that no one can know how their children will turn out. In
fact, I remember one woman saying, “I had my daughter in church every
time the door was open and she still turned out wrong.” What that woman
failed to see is that training a child involves far more than church
attendance.
When my oldest daughter (Beth) was three months old,
I began to talk to her about salvation, because I was convinced that if
she could begin learning a language at that age, she could learn other
things too. When I would hold her and talk to her she would look right
at me, smile, and take in everything I said. Therefore, as I held her I
would say, “Jesus died for your sins, yes He did, yes He did. He died
for your sins so that you could have salvation. Yes He did, etc.” As I
did this she would smile ear to ear, and I did it quite often. When she
began to talk I would get her to say, “Jesus died for my sins” and,
“I'm a sinner saved by grace.” Then, one day just before she was two
years old, she walked up to me while I was sitting in a chair, placed
her hands on my leg, looked up at me and said, “Jesus died for my
sins.” I said, “Yes, He died for your sins so that you could have
forgiveness.” After that she would go around saying, “Jesus died for my
sins so I could have forgiveness.”
If you have any doubts as to what a child that age
can learn, then consider this. When Beth was less that a year old, my
wife would sing the alphabet to her. She would sing, “A, B, C, D, E, F,
G”, etc. As a result, when Beth was about 15 months old, I heard her
singing the alphabet to herself. Although the last part of it was
garbled, after that time I would sing it with her. Consequently, she
could recite the entire alphabet by the time she was 18 months old. A
short time later, she was given a magnetic letter desk that had a
storage tray with a letter shaped socket for each letter. Because
putting the letters into the tray was like working a puzzle, and the
letters were in the right order, she quickly learned what each of the
letters looked like.
In contrast, my younger daughter (Rebekah) had a
very different personality, and there was a resistance in her that was
not in her sister. For example: Whenever I would say to her, “Jesus
died for your sins, yes He did, etc.”, she would turn her head to the
side and shut me out. Moreover, by the time she was two years old,
whenever I would try to get her to say, “I'm a sinner” she would
adamantly reply, “no! I'm not a sinner! I'm not a sinner!” At that
time, because I knew that children who resist their parents often
listen to their peers, I asked my oldest daughter (Beth) to talk to her
sister. Although Beth was only four years old, I knelt down so that I
could talk to her face to face. I then took one of her hands in my
right hand and the other in my left hand, and told her that I needed
her help to convince Becky that she was a sinner. I explained to her
that if Becky would not admit that she was a sinner she would not be
able to get forgiveness and would go to hell when she died. When I got
home from work the next day, my wife told me that Beth had really taken
what I said seriously. She told me that Beth had a long talk with Becky
and explained to her that she had to admit that she was a sinner so
that she could get forgiveness and not go to hell. After that Becky was
willing to admit that she was a sinner, but it was a few more years
before she understood the way of salvation.
When Becky was about five years old I sat her on my
knee and asked her this question. “If you died tonight and God asked
you, 'Why should I let you into heaven', what would you say? Her answer
was, “I don't know”. I then said, “You know you are a sinner don't
you?” She said, “Yes.” So I asked her, “Can you tell me what some of
your sins are?” At that point I was prepared to mention such sins as
fighting with her sister, etc. However, to my surprise she hung her
head and said, “I lied to mommy once.” I then said, “Do you know that
if that sin is not forgiven you will burn in hell when you die?” A
shudder went through her as she said, “Yes.” Therefore, I quickly
comforted her by saying, “But Jesus died on the cross so that you could
have forgiveness. He already died to get forgiveness for you. But you
need to tell Him that you are sorry you lied and that you want
forgiveness.” At that point I led her to tell Jesus that she was sorry
that she lied and that she wanted forgiveness.
About one year later, I took her on my knee and
again talked to her about salvation. When I asked her how she would
answer the question, “Why should I let you into heaven?” she again
said, “I don't know.” She had forgotten what I had said to her the
first time, so we went through it again. I reminded her that she told
me that she had once lied to mommy, and she admitted it. I then talked
to her about Christ and her need for forgiveness, and we prayed. A year
later we went through a similar session and I explained the way of
salvation to her a third time. After that it seamed to stick. I also
noticed that once she understood the way of salvation, and began to
look to Christ for forgiveness, her defiant attitude started to wane. I
believe that was because the Holy Spirit was at work in her heart.
I never once told my girls to ask Jesus into their
heart, or to go forward to be saved, because that is not the way of
salvation taught in the Bible. I simply taught them that they were
sinners and that Jesus died for their sins. They believed it, and that
is what faith in Christ is all about (1Corinthians 15:1-3). I also
never placed any importance on the day they were saved. Instead, I told
them that the important thing is to know – right now – that Christ died
for your sins and that you are trusting in Him for forgiveness and
salvation.
I believe that it is important for a child to know
who is boss, and to recognize their parents as the authority by the
time they are two years old. However, because they do not think
reflectively they will need to be taught many of the same lessons over
and over again for at least twelve years. Because learning takes time,
never try to rush it by being mean. When children need to be taught, it
is better to talk the matter over calmly than to fuss. Fussing tends to
go in one ear and out the other.
Discipline is important to children. Because they
have many carnal desires and impulses that they find difficult to
control, they need the external motivation that discipline provides.
However, it is important to keep emotion out of discipline. Children
need to see discipline as the just punishment for wrongdoing, not as an
expression of irritability on the part of a parent. I once saw a woman
(whose child was in her grocery cart) hit her child and then yell sit
down. That is the wrong way to discipline. It would have been better
for her to place one hand on the child and say, calmly but firmly, “sit
down”. Once the child was down she should have then explained why he
needed to remain seated. If he began to stand up at a later time, he
might need another calm reminder. Discipline should come only in
response to defiance or disobedience.
When my children needed discipline, I would often
sit in a chair, and calmly tell them to come and stand in front of me.
I would then tell them what they had done wrong and listen to what they
had to say. They would then be informed that because they did wrong
they must be punished. I would then calmly tell them to turn around and
let me administer punishment. Discipline should come from calm
reflection, not emotion.
It is not always necessary to spank. I would often
discipline my girls by pinging them. To do this I would cock my index
finger against my thumb, build up pressure, and let my index finger
snap loose against the side of their head. It is much like snapping
your fingers, except that the index finger goes in the opposite
direction. The tap is too light to do any damage, but it is unpleasant.
I am thankful that I learned that method of discipline from another
Christian parent when my children were quite young. It is a very
effective way to discipline small children.
When dealing with my children, I tried to avoid
grabbing things away from them. Instead of getting into a tug of war, I
would calmly say, “Give it to me.” If necessary I would repeat it.
However, I gave them time to subdue their own contrary desires. It is
important for them to learn how to subdue their own will, and they do
not learn that when parents just grab things away from them.
When my oldest daughter (Beth) was very young, I
began counting to three after telling her to do something. If she would
not do it in that time, I would walk over to her (very heavily for
drama) and ping her. As soon as I noticed that she was waiting till the
count of three, I began going after her at the count of two. I then
began to say two, without saying one. When she asked why, I told her
that the first time I said it was number one. I did not do this at
every whim, but only when there was disobedience. She soon learned to
hop when I said two. Her younger sister copied her behavior, and as a
result, I rarely needed to discipline them after they were five or six
years of age.
While young children need to explore their world,
learn how to do things, and discover how things work they cannot do
that if they are sitting in front of a television. For that reason, I
tried to keep television viewing to a minimum. In our case, surrounding
hills that interfered with the TV signals made it easy to keep the TV
off when they were young. During that time, we got them a puzzle of the
United States that had the pieces cut along state lines. As a result,
they quickly learned to recognize every state. My wife then used flash
cards to help them learn state capitals. As a result Becky could name
the capital of every state by the time she was three years old.
At that time, we got our first VCR, even though we
only had three tapes for it. One of those tapes was the 1950 version
of, “Heidi” starring Heinrica Gretler and Elsbeth Sigmund. The second
was, The Little Princess” starring, Shirley Temple. The third was,
“Fire Over England.” While we still kept television watching to a
minimum, the girls would watch one of those movies each day. Moreover,
as they grew familiar with those movies, I could see what a powerful
influence movies have, and how they can be used for either good or
evil. For example, the movie “Fire Over England” stirred an interest in
history, while that particular version of, “Heidi” gave them a very
good example of how people ought to interact with one another.
Instead of using the television as a babysitter,
when we did watch it we generally watched it together, as a family.
However, my wife would watch the news in the evening, while I was at
work. During that time we never tried to hide what was in the news from
the girls, because I felt that it was important for them to know what
the world was really like. [Things are a little different today because
of the open sexuality on TV.] Besides, their awareness of what was in
the news gave us an opportunity to teach them a proper attitude toward
what was going on. Furthermore, because I never turned the radio on
when we were in the car, we often discussed things that were in the
news while we were on the road. In fact, we had some of our best family
conversations at that time. As my daughters asked me about specific
things that were on the news, I always tried to give honest and
Scriptural answers to their questions, and used the opportunity to
teach them a Biblical perspective on life. A parent who lies to his
children, or gives stupid answers to their questions, only destroys his
own credibility. In order to pass on the faith we must build a
relationship of trust (Deuteronomy 6:7).
When the girls asked me what abortion was, I told
them that it was just a fancy term for killing babies, and that some
people think it is alright to kill babies, but God says it is evil.
When they asked me why some people think it is alright, I told them
that when a person does not admit their sin and look to Jesus for
forgiveness, the devil can get into their heart and get their thinking
all mixed up. When they asked me what adultery was, I simply
described it from their perspective as, “When a mommy or daddy runs off
and says, ‘I'm not going to be your mommy or daddy any more. I'm going
to live with someone else'.” They could see right away that such
behavior was wrong, so I reinforced that by telling them that God says
adultery is evil. When they asked me what rape was, I told them that it
is when someone treats a woman badly and hurts her. I then added, “You
will understand that better when you are older.”
During the past century, America's public school
system has been systematically converted into a pagan religious system.
That system has its own doctrines on the origin of life, the roles of
men and women, sexual morality, homosexuality, what comes after death,
and so forth. Therefore, it is just as wrong for Christians to send
their children to such schools as it is to send them to a pagan school.
Moreover, I firmly believe that parents are responsible for what they
allow their children to be taught. If I hire a tutor who teaches my
children false doctrine, I am responsible for what I have allowed my
children to be taught. Therefore, if I allow the government to hire
that same tutor for me, I am still responsible. For that reason, when
it came to academic education my wife and I chose to homeschool our
children. Besides, children need to be with adults so they can learn to
act like adults.
Some parents naively think that they can correct any
wrong ideas that their children pick up in a public school. However,
what they fail to realize is that it is not a matter of one or two
wrong things being taught. Instead it is a matter of false doctrine
being woven into the entire curriculum, so that everything that is
taught gives their children a twisted and distorted worldview. For that
reason, the only way that any child can overcome the harm done to their
mind by the public school system, is to totally reeducate himself, and
few are able to do that. Besides, what loving parent would want their
child taught falsehood to begin with?
Since the Christian walk consists of far more than
just worship, our Children must learn to apply the Bible to every
aspect of their lives. They must learn to work, relax, sing, have fun,
and be entertained in a way that is wholesome and above reproach. For
that reason, we need to provide our children with a Christian culture.
And, to that end, we need to realize that culture is simply applied
religion.
A culture is the way in which a particular people
apply their religious beliefs to everyday life. Consequently, a Moslem
culture or a Hindu culture will be radically different from a Christian
culture, because the people will be trying to conform to a different
set of religious beliefs. When I was growing up, America had a
Christian culture, and, for that reason, Christian values prevailed
even though many things were not theologically correct. For example:
Society in general recognized that sex outside of marriage was wrong,
that homosexuality was evil, and that God ordained different roles for
men and women. However, because secularism (including both atheism and
humanism) is now the dominant religion, even though there is still
Christian influence in our society, whenever Christians try to apply
their beliefs to public policy they run into a wall of secular bigotry
and media hatred. In addition, secularism dominates the halls of
government, liberal churches, schools, and the entertainment industry.
For that reason, one of my aims in training my children was to pass on
to them the Christian culture that American once had.
I believe that parents who try to cut their children
off from all culture, expecting them to listen only to gospel music,
watch only the religious channel, and so forth, do more harm than good.
In the name of being religious, they are refusing to apply their
religious beliefs to everyday life. Children need to learn how to
relax, play, have fun, entertain and be entertained in a Christian way,
and if they are not taught this as a child, they may well grow up to
behave one way at church and another way outside of church.
Since one of my earliest memories was that of going
to sleep while listening to Al Jolson singing on the radio, I began my
cultural training by letting my girls go to sleep listening to a tape
recording of Al Jolson. In fact, children identify with songs like,
“Mammy” and, “Sonny Boy.” After a while I began to alternate the Al
Jolson tape with recordings by Tennessee Ernie Ford, and Gene Autry. I
then included music by Strauss as well as beautiful old hymns of the
faith. Furthermore, during some of our discussions I would point out
that music should be beautiful with good words, not just noise with bad
words. When we would hear a boom box or loud rock music I would say, “I
don't know how people can stand to listen to that noise.” In that way,
I guided them to appreciate good music. As a family we enjoy the music
of Lawrence Welk (which is essentially the music of the Christian
culture that prevailed in America prior to the 1960's), and, at
present, both of my daughters like the music of the opera, “Carmen.”
While moviemakers have always pushed things to the
edge of acceptability, many old movies reflect Christian values. In
fact, between 1934 and 1948, the movie industry followed a self-imposed
standard of decency, which reflected the standards of society at that
time. Many good television shows from the 1950's are also available for
family entertainment, and when families watch such shows together,
parents have an opportunity to point out to their children anything
that is wrong. Speak up while the show is going on and discuss it at
length later. My parents taught me what was wrong with gambling while
we watched, “Maverick” on TV. Ask the children to see how many wrong
things they can pick out, and teach them when to turn the TV off. In
the older situation comedies, the characters would often lie, in order
to create a situation, and you can point out to your children that
lying is wrong. However, content that reflects a lower standard of
sexual morality, or the occult, pollutes the mind, and, for that
reason, should be turned off.
Although secular society views good manners as just
a bunch of rules, as Christians we should realize that true manners are
rooted in kindness and consideration for the other person. For example:
Since it is rude and inconsiderate to throw gum on the sidewalk,
children need to be taught to save their gum wrapper so that they can
wrap their gum back up when they are finished with it, and keep it
until they get to a trash can. Since it is also inconsiderate to let
the serving spoon touch your plate, or to begin eating without first
seeing that the food has been passed to others, children need to be
taught to recognize such behavior as inconsiderate. Furthermore, in
teaching your children, it is important for you to set a good example.
For that reason, when I would ask my girls for a favor I would say,
“please” and, “thank you.” It is not enough to teach a rule we also
need to teach a good attitude.
When we entrust the spiritual wellbeing of our
children to God's care, leading them to look to Christ for
righteousness, He will bless our efforts to train them according to his
Word, and, part of that blessing consists of an interest in learning
God's Word. In my case, I also believe that God used the AWANA program
(a club for youth that combines learning with fun and offers rewards
for memorizing Bible verses) to provide my daughters with a program of
Bible memorization. At any rate, that program was an answer to prayer
for my family, and my girls were eager to learn the Bible verses. In
addition, we also made Bible study a regular part of our homeschool
program.
When it came to teaching my daughters the basic
doctrines of the Christian faith, we used a set of lessons by Oswald
Riess entitled, “What Does the Bible Say?” Since that set of lessons,
consists primarily of quotes from Scripture, it fit right in with our
emphasis on the Bible. Nevertheless, as the girls were too young, at
that time, to answer the questions at the end of each lesson, I had
them write down and memorize the answers for the test. After finishing
that series, we also went through the “Apostles' Doctrine” series of
lessons, that I had written.
Finally, in order to teach our girls the Lord's
Prayer and the ancient creeds of the faith, we included them in our
school opening at the beginning of each day. I believe that the ancient
creeds are important because they give us a link to the early church.
All in all, they received a good grounding in God's Word.
When the Bible tells us to train up our children in
the way they should go, it is not telling us to make them conform
outwardly to a set of rules. In fact, children who are only made to
conform outwardly, often cease to conform as soon as they are out from
under their parents' authority. It is far more important to lead them
to understand the way of salvation. In order to do that, they must
learn to see themselves as sinners, to see evil as ugly and repugnant,
and to trust in Christ for righteousness (Romans 3:28 and 10:4).
When it comes to raising children, we need to ask
God for wisdom. And, since we know that He has promised to answer that
prayer, we can be certain that He will answer it. Every Christian
father has a responsibility to guide the home, and we all need God's
help if we are to do a good job of it.